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NYO Fail, Part the First: In Which I Discuss Double Standards
By Jeff Fecke | December 2, 2009
This completely awful New York Observer article has been making the rounds on the twittersphere today, with most of my feminist and ally friends observing that the article boils down to, as Spencer Ackerman says, “adult women should not ever have sex with any men ever, and especially not with us.” And frankly, how can one look at an article headlined “Rrrowl! Beware Cougar’s Young Niece, the Cheetah,” and think anything else? Clearly, the article is all about slut-shaming women into retreating to demure ladyhood.
And clearly, that’s what the article is about, which is why I’m breaking my reaction to this post up into two parts. Because while the article is about slut-shaming, the anecdote given to shame sluts is an anecdote about something else entirely.
The piece opens with an anecdote about “Seth,” one of the writer’s friends, who’s been at a party and had a few too many.
“I can barely stand,” Seth said, swaying innocently on the soggy sidewalk. (Seth’s a gentleman and asked that I change the names and obscure certain details in unfurling the horrors that so thoroughly furled him that night, in order to protect the honor of a woman.) He was 24 at the time, a magazine writer.
Joel said, “O.K., I think he needs to go home.”
Dana, who was 29, said, “Let’s go get another drink!”
“I wanna go home,” Seth warbled.
“O.K., I’ll take him home,” Dana said.
Joel gave Seth a “WTF?” look and said, “I’ll take him home.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Dana said, hailing a cab and then bundling Seth inside.
“I woke up with a condom still on my dick,” he told me.
[...]
Dana’s hunting methods and psychology bear no resemblance to the cougar. As Seth aptly points out, “A cougar would fuck and then leave and not feel bad.”
Instead, Seth awoke to Dana’s limpid eyes, followed by an awkward kiss in broad daylight as the two parted ways on the street. The cheetah stays the night.
Now, you may see the problem here, but you may be thinking to yourself, “Jeff, that’s just a story about a girl having a one-night stand. What’s wrong with that?” Well, to illustrate, let’s turn to Amber at Prettier than Napoleon:
“I can barely stand,” Sabrina said, swaying innocently on the soggy sidewalk. … She was 24 at the time, a magazine writer.
Jennifer said, “O.K., I think she needs to go home.”
Dave, who was 29, said, “Let’s go get another drink!”
“I wanna go home,” Sabrina warbled.
“O.K., I’ll take her home,” Dave said.
Jennifer gave Sabrina a “WTF?” look and said, “I’ll take her home.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Dave said, hailing a cab and then bundling Sabrina inside.
“I woke up with a condom still in my vagina,” she told me.
Precisely. Flip the genders around, and we have what is clearly a case of date rape. Not a borderline case, not a questionable case — a clear-cut, no-question, over the line case of date rape.
Now, we don’t know all the details here, and frankly, we don’t have to. We know 1) Seth was extremely drunk to the point of being barely able to stand, and 2) Dana knowingly took advantage of Seth in that condition. Anything beyond that is going to take us straight to Blame Town, where we can talk about what the victim did to cause his victimization.
So why is it that otherwise sensible people like Megan Carpentier respond by saying, not that this was rape, but that, “Everyone should be disgusted by a one night stand with any of the dudes quoted in the piece, imho.”?
The other day, in comments to a post of mine excoriating Bernard-Henri Lévy for his fawning support of Roman Polanski, a commenter named Politicalguineapig came up with a novel solution to the problem of rape:
Maybe setting up restrictions on men’s movements and disallowing men from gathering in groups would stop the problem. But a bill like that wouldn’t have a hope of passing.
This, of course, thoroughly derailed the thread1, causing people to debate whether men having their movements legally restricted would be worse than the present situation, where women are pressured to restrict their own movements out of fear of men. The answer, of course, is that the argument was an apples-and-unicorns debate — the idea that men should be prohibited from gathering in groups, for example, is the exact opposite of what we tell women, which is that they should be in groups at all times.
But that’s neither here nor there. The reason I cite this argument is that it stems from the same place that has people completely miss the rape in the NYO article. It is, quite simply, a gender essentialist argument: men are predators, women are victims.
Now, that is the case more often than the reverse. And one shouldn’t pretend that the number of men being raped by women is in the same statistical universe as the number of women being raped by men — it isn’t. But if you believe, as I do, that one woman being raped is one too many, one man being raped is one too many, too.
Women are capable of being victimizers, just as men are. They’re capable of being abusive. They’re capable of sexual assault. They’re capable of rape. Not all women, mind you. Not even most women. Not even a sizable minority of women are capable of assaulting someone else. But some women are, just as some men are.
The proper response when a story such as this is not to minimize or ignore it, not to bury it by saying, “Well, it’s an outlier, and women are the victims of rape far more, and that’s the real problem.” It may be an outlier, but that doesn’t make it okay. Rape is evil, no matter who perpetrates it.
Is the fallout different? Of course it is. I doubt Seth thinks he was raped, and most people — even most feminists — seem to think that it’s all okay, because he got laid, and that’s what men want most in the whole world. But quite frankly, men don’t want to get laid by anyone, and not all the time. And the fact that Seth was taken advantage of, and that so many people who I consider allies don’t see it — or worse, use the incident as reason to attack the victim — saddens me greatly.
Men commit more crimes against women than women do against men. That has its roots in a number of causes, most societal, some having to do with sexual dimorphism — men are on average bigger and stronger than women, and it’s easier for a man to use force against a woman than vice versa. But that doesn’t mean that men have a unique seed of evil planted inside of them, nor that women are pure. Women and men are both human, and all of us are capable of doing great good, and great evil. We are far more alike than different, and that goes for the bad as well as the good.
Later tonight: Part the Second: In which I discuss slut-shaming.
1This led my co-blogger Mandolin to write the fine rejoinder, “Ode to a derailed thread.”
Topics: Feminism, Sexual Assault | 11 Comments »
December 2nd, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Precisely. Flip the genders around, and we have what is clearly a case of date rape. Not a borderline case, not a questionable case — a clear-cut, no-question, over the line case of date rape.
I thought the same thing when I was reading this article. It’s a clear cut case of rape whether or not the victim was a man or woman. If you don’t mind me adding…there’s no need to call it date rape. Actually, no need to add “date” in front of rape ever.
The whole “cheetah” character they describe was one of a rapist, regardless of gender. Rape is never ok. All the feminists I know would agree with that.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:25 am
The end of the article had this little quote:
Jeff, you missed the whole point of the article. Here’s your take on it:
You’ve gotten so fixated on the rape aspect of it that you’re ignoring what motivates the so-called cheetah to engage in this behavior. We so seldom inquire as to the psychology of sexual predators, conveniently ascribing to them some lust for power. “Rape is not about sex,” the feminist says, “but power. The rapist wants to overpower the victim.”
But as you can see by the final quote of the article, the female rapist really craved intimacy, and she took what seemed to be the closest substitute for it: sex. Was she out to create a victim as a pure expression of dominance? It’s possible, but I personally reject the notion that dominance is the sole reason why people commit rape. Some seek sexual validation, some seek intimacy, some are just horny and narcissistic, while some are straight-up perverted. What this tells me is that our society is too infused with hyper-sexuality, rather than too infused with what you call “slut shaming.”
Can’t you and feminists like you accept that rape is a product of a hyper-sexual society, which flaunts and taunts sex and then denies it? Those who really wanted intimacy instead see the sexual messages all around them, and they make stupid choices as a result. Here’s a little suggestion: rather than fixating on removing shame, how about advocating for a lot more sexual modesty? The incidence of rape would decline rapidly if we weren’t swimming in a culture laced with sexual metaphors, references, images and signals. If the “cheetah” in the above story knew the dangers of over-indulging her libido, she would realize that her chance of having a satisfying intimate relationship with a husband inside the bonds of marriage is diminishing with each and every indiscriminate hook-up.
So long as feminists ignore this fact, our culture of hypersex will continue to be conflated with a culture of rape, and nothing positive will ever emerge.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:32 am
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December 3rd, 2009 at 12:34 am
Rape is all your fault, you dumb feminists!
Gah…how many times have I heard that load of shit before? And if you really think that “more sexual modesty” will combat rape, I have to wonder who did your last lobotomy, and how are you still able to type?
Seriously, dude. You are Full. Of. Shit. And you know it. You just want to be a jackass and upset people. Well, congrats. Thanks for telling me it was all my stupid fault. I feel much better.
Fuck off.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:45 am
John, if feminism and the increasingly libertine sexual culture were responsible for rape, one would expect trend lines on rape to be going up, as society becomes more feminist and more libertine.
They aren’t. They’re going down. Which is a testament to the hard work that feminists have done in trying to dismantle rape culture, and the fact that most men are more than capable of understanding simple, three-word sentences like “No means no.”
Quite simply, one can have a hook-up culture where rape is rare. It’s one in which partners have a baseline level of respect for each other, and where simple questions are asked, and honest answers are given. But that assumes that men and women are both human beings, an assumption most misogynists are loath to make.
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:58 am
alisonrose wrote:
Although it’s quite subtle, I get the feeling that you and I don’t exactly agree. Tell us what you really think.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:15 am
Jeff wrote:
Hooking up usually means that you just met the person that very night. You’re not going to have any respect for each other because you don’t know each other. Do you get that?
If you both do the horizontal tango and then later her husband or boyfriend finds out, suddenly the stability of her relationships (and possibly her economic stability) are at risk. So you could easily be accused of rape in such a situation — because you naaively thought that you were respected by someone you just met for a one-night fling.
The same is true for a woman. You could naaively convince yourself that feminist ideology has created a utopia of mutual respect between complete strangers. But you would be hopelessly wrong in that assumption. As a woman, you could be going to bed with a straight-up rapist, but your ego and sense of sexual entitlement would overshadow your sense of judgment and before you know it, “mister interesting and dangerous” is inside of you… and won’t get the heck out.
The very concept of the hook-up is completely antithetical to respect, Jeff!
For that matter, it’s antithetical to common sense that somehow feminists can wage a cultural campaign to get all the predators to transform into a New Man. Why not instead expect people to make sensible choices with who they select as a partner? Are you offended by such a suggestion? Is it offensive that judgment and sensibility would even be expected of you? Are you entitled to be safe, no matter what choices you make? Maybe you are “entitled” to be safe, but don’t think that you’re safe just because you have the right to be. And don’t assume that feminism is going to create (or has created) a utopian society of “new men.”
I don’t dress from head-to-toe in red clothing then walk brazenly into a neighborhood controlled by the Crips gang. I certainly have every right to do that, though, and I couldn’t be “blamed” on a moral level if I got attacked. But it sure wouldn’t be the brightest move I ever made.
Get it?
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I couldn’t let this little nugget of disinformation go unchallenged… Jeff wrote:
Trend lines for rape? Is that what you call them? I call them trend lines for convictions of rape, and they most certainly have been going down. That doesn’t necessarily mean that accusations of rape have diminished; all it means is easy to accuse but justice still prevails when a jury gets to decide the fate of the defendant. Even in our feminized criminal justice system, a jury remains the last bastion of sensibility and judgment when it comes to bogus rape allegations. The fact that the conviction rate is low points to the rampant pervasiveness of false allegations of rape. Bogus rape allegations are so pervasive in this hook-up culture, that in the U.S. only 15 percent of those criminally charged of rape are actually convicted of the crime.
If you think the U.S. hook-up culture is bad, you haven’t seen anything when you look at the bogus allegations (and resulting low conviction rates) in Europe. Here’s a little reminder of what the myth of the supposed rape culture has produced: a police state where an alleged victim’s word is the only evidence required, the accused is restrained from confronting his accuser, the accuser’s truthfulness and character are considered legally irrelevant and in which the only remaining vestige of sanity is a jury.
. . .
“Cross-National Studies in Crime and Justice” (Sept. 2004)
Authors: David Farrington, Patrick Langan, Michael Tonry
Bureau of Justice Statistics (United States Federal Department of Justice)
http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/cnscj.pdf
CONVICTION RATES FOR RAPE:
England/Wales:
Conviction rate: less than 3%
Source: p. 30, figure 4e
Scotland:
Conviction rate: 2 percent
Source: p. 226, figure 3e
USA:
Conviction rate: 15 percent
Source: p. 73, figure 5e
Australia:
Conviction rate: 7 percent
Source: p. 111, figure 5e
Canada:
Conviction rate: 13 percent
Source: p. 157, figure 3e
Netherlands:
Conviction rate: 5 percent
Source: p. 190, figure 3e
Sweden:
Conviction rate: less than 2 percent
Source: p. 259, appendix table 3
Switzerland:
Conviction rate: 3 percent
Source: p. 277, figure 4e
December 3rd, 2009 at 6:09 pm
John, trend line for reported rape is going down. Trendlines for conviction percentage are going up, albeit slowly. Also, not guilty != innocent.
But leave that aside. Let me address this bit of inanity:
Hooking up usually means that you just met the person that very night. You’re not going to have any respect for each other because you don’t know each other. Do you get that?
Uh…wrongo. I have a baseline level of respect for everyone in the world, at least until they prove themselves to be douchebags. If I meet a nice girl at the bar and she and I decide to have sex, I have at the very least a baseline respect for her as a fellow human, one with her own wants and desires and needs, and I expect she grant me the same courtesy. If we have just a one-night stand, and part on good terms, I’ll still have that baseline level of respect plus a generally good feeling about a woman who was nice enough to have sex with me. What’s so hard about that concept? Why wouldn’t you respect someone who was basically nice, and interested in being your sexual partner for the night, even if you both weren’t looking for anything deeper? How twisted must you be to assume that one can’t hook up with a stranger, and still find a way to respect them?
December 3rd, 2009 at 9:20 pm
According to a 2005 study published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine females account for 40% of those who rape boys and men. According the recent numbers from ChildLine, more than half the boys who reported being sexually abused said their abuser was female, usually their mother. So the claim that female-on-male rape is extremely rare is demonstrably false.
December 5th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Here is an illuminating video about the prevalence of false allegations of rape:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RliMu2JxVr0