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Know Your Feline Female Metaphors
By Jeff Fecke | December 4, 2009
So as you know, yesterday we found out that there’s a new kind of woman out there: the “cheetah,” a girl who dates guys slightly younger and/or hotter than herself, or possibly a date-rapist, or maybe just someone with low self-esteem, or maybe a cow giving the milk away for free. I’ve read the column several times, and still don’t quite get it. But anyway, cheetahs: they’re women who have sex.
Cheetahs, of course, are part of an increasingly ridiculously expansive meme in which women who have sex are given a cutesy feline equivalent. Are you an older woman who likes sex? Well, then you’re a cougar. A thirtysomething who likes college-aged boys? You’re a puma. Older than a cougar, but still daring to have sex? Spencer Morgan proposes “saber-toothed,” because you’re old. Get it? Get it? Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more?
Anyhow, all these feline descriptions got me to thinking: there are an awful lot of different members of the family Felidae, and many of them have not yet been used as pejorative cognomens to describe women who dare to enjoy sex.
That ends today.
Yes, today I’m happy to share with you a guide to all the many known cat names for different types of women. Feel free to clip and save this post; it will save you a lot of time, and allow you to deal with women as the strange, inhuman, bestial creatures they are, rather than as fellow human beings.
Bay Cats – Women age 24 to 29 who enjoy sex, surfing, and dating men either age 18-27 or older than 29, but never, under any circumstances, 28-year-olds. 28-year-old guys totally suck.
Barn Cats – Red-haired women from rural areas whose stated love for you will never completely cure them of their secret desire to seduce an unwitting international superspy into turning traitor.
Bobcats – Women named Roberta who are very attracted to men who detest Latvian cuisine, yet find Lithuanian cuisine sublime.
Caracals - Women who dare to like sex, yet find cutesy feline nicknames to be patronizing, demeaning, and dehumanizing. Silly little things, aren’t they, fellas? It’s almost as if they think they have feelings and desires of their own! Ah, women are funny creatures.
Cat Powers – Talented but mercurial singer-songwriters.
Cat Stevenses – Since 1977 conversion, are known as “Yusuf Islams.”
Cats – Women aged 35 years, 11 months, 12 days to 41 years, 10 months, 28 days who are incredibly turned on by Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals. Except for Starlight Express, because, I mean, roller skates? Really?
Fisher Cats – Women over the age of 70 who enjoy threesomes with male gymnasts and/or models, but also secretly have a crush on the late Chris Farley.
Kittens - Creepy old men call ‘em “Jailbait,” creepy twentysomethings call ‘em “Lolis,” Humbert Humbert calls ‘em “Nymphets,” and John Derbyshire calls ‘em “A little long in the tooth.”
Lionesses - Women who go out and work hard while their lazy, no-good boyfriends stay home and play Wii all day. Wait — sorry, folks, that’s a negative stereotype about men. Obviously, please disregard this one.
Lynx – Women under the age of 27 who are between 5’10″ and 6’7″ and who enjoy dating men shorter than 5’8.
Ocelots – Women aged 23 years, 2 months through 23 years, 4 months, who like to date men who once played professional jai alai.
Panthers – Women age 19 to 23 who engage in serial monogamy with men whose hair is shoulder-length or shorter. Often (but not always) like food, breathing air, and drinking liquid beverages of some sort.
Servals – You may confuse these brunette, left-handed waitresses aged 37 to 42½ who enjoy one-night-stands with circus roustabouts with their closely-related sisters, the Oncillas, but unlike Oncillas, Servals find the prose of Dan Brown to be somewhat stilted.
Shorthairs – Would be the cutesy cat name given to lesbians, except those bitchez totally get annoyed when my bros and I ask if we can videotape them, so they don’t get a cute cat name, so there.
Siamese Cats – Asian chicks. Amirite, guys? Amirite?
Smilodons – Women who live outside of Schenectady, New York, who prefer to date men who live in their parents’ basements and blog in favor of conservative politics. Favorite aphrodisiac? Cheeto dust.
Tigers – Women who actually like sex. The dirty sluts.
Tiggers – The wonderful thing about Tiggers/Is Tiggers are wonderful things/Their tops are made out of rubber/Their bottoms are made out of springs/Also, they love to receive oral.
Vampyrictises – Women aged 14 to 49 who are totally on Team Edward. Or Team Jacob. Or Team Larry. (I haven’t actually read the books, and my daughter isn’t a tween yet; my knowledge of them comes from Burger King commercials.)
Wildcats - Ironically, wildcats are actually pretty calm most of the time, unless you get them started on how bad Two and a Half Men is. Do not get them started on how bad Two and a Half Men is. You will never hear the end of it. Trust me.
York Chocolate Cats - Actually applies to all women, because as we all know, all women love chocolate. And diamonds. And flowers. And whatever other little trinkets and baubles you can buy them to keep from having to actually talk to them.
So anyway, that’s the list as it stands today, although it could probably use expanding. I mean, there are always more cat names, and always more demeaning stereotypes that can be applied to women, so I’m sure we’ll come up with more. Until then, though, I hope this list allows you, the trend piece writer and misogynist (but I repeat myself) to write great columns for your local shoppers, explaining precisely why women suck. Because nothing proves women suck more than men stereotyping them.
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Topics: Feminism, Media | 13 Comments »
December 4th, 2009 at 7:55 am
We need these metaphors because we’re still afraid of women’s bodies. The culture wants women’s bodies to be so thin as to disappear, but used to sell everything from beer to diamonds to fashion magazines. But never ever nude in public (though we can mutilate their bodies in a movie and the movie can get a PG rating). We can use the overt implication of sex to sell things, but not actually show sex.
I’ve been thinking about this since seeing the opera “Susannah” by Carlisle Floyd a few weeks ago. We like to think we’ve come a long way since the 50′s. We haven’t. Women’s sexuality is still seen as a dangerous thing; witness the involvement of the Catholic Bishops Conference (an all old male group) in the health care bill regarding the coverage of abortion in insurance plans.
December 4th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Um, nevermind. I was going to ask about something else, but forget it.
December 4th, 2009 at 11:25 am
You forgot the Bigglesworth — to be used when she’s losing her hair.
December 4th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
The fact that a cougar and a puma are the same animal really makes me even angrier about these stupid names.
December 4th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Which feline covers the “Lady on the street freak in the bed” concept?
December 4th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
“Hi, my name is Erik, how are you? Great to meet you.”
Every time I’ve met a good looking woman in a bar, and I mean EVERY time, not one of these terms nor any other juvenile label has gone through my mind.
Every woman has her thing, every one is different, and I always made a point of finding just what was special about a woman I found attracted to, if I could.
I also happen to think that back when I was single or newly divorced I scored pretty well for a guy who isn’t all that great looking and a bit shy.
So there.
December 4th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
I hate to break it to you, Jeff, but all women are cats of some sort or another, usually Jellicle, from the planet Mars.
We all have a special operation, called “The Operation”, to change the shape of our pupils from slitted to round. We also commune with each other via telepathy several times a day. (That’s why we spend so much time in the bathroom.)
Unfortunately, my sisters will now be after me for revealing the Secret Knowledge. This may be the last you hear from me.
December 6th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Yes, Erik, there you pointed that you are the essence of all which is male.
Else you wouldn’t think that we are talking specifically about you, would you?
Oh, wait… it is not you.
Sorry dude but you just went into the Unpleasant Nice Guys list.
December 6th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Maybe I’m weird… but I actually kind of like “cougar” and “puma”. Makes them sound fierce and badass! Then again in 1st grade I used to beat up the boys and make them call me “Killing Cheetah” so perhaps I still have a juvenile idea of what sounds badass, haha…
December 6th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Tooooo funny! Lighten up some of you guys…. this is clearly meant to be funny not insulting. Love this!
Keep up the good humor!!
All the best,
A proud “Tiger”.
December 7th, 2009 at 12:36 am
“Because nothing proves women suck more than men stereotyping them.”
Fanfreakintastic, man. Thanks for a much-needed snicker.
December 7th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Masterful. Remember of course that men also suck, because they are all dogs. Thusly:
Jack Russell: little hairy guy who thinks his exuberance makes up for being so short. He thinks he’s funny; everyone else finds him really annoying.
Dachsund: skinny little guy with an inferiority complex, prone to unimpressive outbursts of domestic violence (did you know more Dachsunds bite their owners than Pitbulls?).
Labrador: handsome, intelligent, loyal man, ages 35 up. Teetotaller. Highly trainable by a patient woman. A great catch.
Pitbull: amazing in the sack, but unfortunately he beats the kids, and you, if you get in the way.
German shepherd: guy in his 30′s named Franz who likes to get into fights for no reason. Usually a bouncer or cop.
Collie: effeminate, metrosexual guy in his 40′s. You think he’s gay until you see him kicking ass and taking names at work, when you realize, he’s just a jock in the body of a pretty boy.
Poodle: as collie, only this one is all gay.
Chihuahua: freaky little fellow, dresses in chic outfits to hide his insecurities. Fortunately he’s got so much money, you can marry him as a last resort anyway, and cheat on him with Collie guy.
Wolf: shockingly handsome loner with a motorbike. Leader of the pack. You think you can tame him. You can’t. But you’re going to have sex with him anyway. When he settles down with one lucky lady, whose rival boyfriends he has murdered and dumped in the bayou, he’s surprisingly monogamous.
Anyone got any more?
December 9th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Love it, Lizzie! I’ve actually thought of people as animals my whole life (too many anthropomorphic Disney cartoons?), and the dog thing rings true. Though as usual, I think pit bulls got a bum rap here (I might describe them as “thugged-out looking sweet guys constantly mistaken for criminals by suburbanites and officers of the law”), and the words “but totally boring” should be added to the end of the Labrador description.